Thursday, August 12, 2010
I am now a woman of "a certain age". What do I mean? I have achieved menopause. That year without a cycle. Yep, I am an "old woman", a "crone", "dried up old biddy" or maybe a "cougar"? I like that last one. It at least give the impression of being desirable in the age of young, nubile, overtly thin and beautiful women. Yes, all those things and vapid...OK, that's my fantasy or at least stereotype.
But in my mind the last big event in my life will be my death. I'm having a bit of a struggle with that one, and it has, on several occasions brought me to a (pardon the expression) "dead stop" almost to the point of panic attack. I have watched people die. Both calmly with friends and family at bedside, and violently, CODE BLUE style; CPR in progress, intubation, drugs pumped into veins, organized chaos all around. I prefer the first option, but that is not my problem. It is the crisis of faith that brings my spirit, if indeed I have a soul, to another plane of existence. And what happens to the family and friends that I have here, now? Does that all dissolve into a mildly meaningful lesson to be passed on in the vast eternity? Do I fade into nothing-ness, with all that I have been just for nothing other than part of the evolution of this planet? See my dilemma? I am struggling with it just as humanity before me. And I'll have to come to my own conclusions before its all said and done. Which brings me to my next point.
I fully understand that the financial crisis extends world wide. The loss of homes and jobs is nothing new to the United States or anywhere else for that matter. I'm tired of the constant threat of losing mine, again. I think about my job, and for what I do and at my level of liscensure, I make a very good wage. I cannot complain. But I can worry. And I do. I worry about the 3 student loans that I have and paying them off. One of them is for my current schooling and I can't finance the testing fees that are between $150.00 and $350.00 per test. I can't afford to go on and I can't afford to quit. I need to move up in my licensure to be assured of my job in the future. And to be able to take care of my family. I worry about losing my job and not being able to get another one no matter how good I am at what I do. Sometimes I get on a "I don't get out of the house and I don't do anything fun anymore" kick and I do things like buy online...yes, I bought some make up and some e-books from Sony. And then I feel guilty for wasting the money. (sighs deeply)
Sometimes I feel I have taken too much on, and wonder if, in the long run, it is all worth it. I wonder if I will actually succeed at conquering my stated goals in this life or am I just spinning my wheels? I feel overwhelmed, under loved, and overdrawn. 2 out of the 3 aren't true, but it just feels that way. When my Grandson crawls on my lap and wants to check on his "NeoPet" with me, I know I"m loved. Or when my Granddaughter wants to crawl in bed with me and cuddle, I know I'm needed by her to feel safe. I feel her love and I know that for her, my life as purpose.
I honestly have so much to be grateful for. I am just feeling the weight of all responsibility of my family. I want to keep my home, keep my husband loved and without worry-I want him to feel as though he has a real partner in this lifetime. It is something I take very seriously. I want my kids and Grand kids to be healthy, happy, and fulfilled. I want their dreams, hopes, hard work, and effort to pay off in spades. And I want them to know how much I love them, now and forever. I want to complete school, I have a Microbiology final tomorrow that I am sweating. But I can only do what I can do. I want to fix the problems with my back, but surgery will have to wait until after the bills are paid of for good. Until then, I will live with the ever increase pain level and decreasing activity level the best that I can.
And here is where it comes back into a big circle. I am menopausal. Am getting old(er) I feel that I don't have time left to mess around and I wonder if I am wasting my time and energy on things that in the long run won't make any difference.
So there you have it.
I still refuse to believe that I am the only one on the planet that feels this way.
At least some of the time.